News in the Down Unda'

Good evening/morning/[insert appropriate greeting for your time zone here] and welcome to this month’s broadcast of “News in the Down Unda'’” with your host: Emily-“this is how I procrastinate studying for finals when you’re all already on summer break”-Mose… (wait I’m not putting my last name on the internet, crazies.)

In headline news todight (that’s a combo of today and tonight, in case you didn’t catch it, because I’m just that clever) we bring you a story of how one of the smallest cities in the United States managed to make the morning news show on my television the other side of the world.

Rather than repeating the news of the tragic tornado disaster at the town less than an hour from my house in the middle of nowhere Missouri, we’d just like to highlight how the picture so accurately implies that everyone “knows” where Joplin, USA is, like it’s New York or something and doesn’t need a state. Of course, judging from interviews with other Aussies at the event (that event being eating weet-bix and sultana bran cereal illegally in the common room), they don’t have the faintest idea what’s a city and what’s a state in the US anyways (“You’re from Missouri, right? What state this that in?”). Thus experts say there will likely be no harm done.

We now bring you Emily with sports…

Thanks Emily. This past week Australians gathered together to watch two fearsome rugby teams battle it out what Aussies call the "State of Origin" game, but what Americans would probably label as the Aussie “Super Bowl” except with no padding, no helmets, and seriously disappointing commercials. But hey, they did make American football players look like a bunch of sissies as they beat each other up, which almost made up for the lack of kids dressed up like Darth Vader trying to use the force to start their parents’ Volkswagen.

The teams playing were the Queenslanders from the north and the New South Wales-ers from, duh, the south. Oh wait, those are the same teams that play every year, because once again it seems someone forgot to send out the cute little Hallmark invitations to the other states. Whoops. Oh well, they're “terrible at rugby anyways” (according to an anonymous source at the dining hall table, though she may not have used such kind words).

Viewers might think Australians would have trouble coming up with fearsome mascots, coming from a country with 9 of the 10 most deadliest snakes and more things that can kill you than anywhere else, but fans new to the games were relieved that they had the choice of cheering for one of two formidable opponents:

…the cane toads…

...or the cockroaches...

Oooh I'd hate to face one of those guys on the rugby field. I might squash him by accident.

At least they try to make them look ferocious:

A reporter on the scene noted that most fans chose to forgo the animal representation and cheer on their teams by color instead: Maroon and blue. Meh. More to come in a later broadcast on the positive effect this had on the self-respect of dedicated rugby fans across the country.

And lastly in sports, for those apparently few and far between fans of AFL (that’s Aussie Rules Football, for our American viewers), a game was played last month by the Brisbane Lions, whose mascot, colors, and red and gold garb had muggle fans suspicious of a wizarding infiltration the whole night:

But despite the Lion’s refreshing ability to pick a mascot that doesn’t make you twist your face in disgust, they still lost, for what our sources say is "like the tenth time in a row." When interviewed for their reaction to the tragedy, a fellow dining hall Brisbaner simply shrugged and reminded us that “ALF is stupid, nobody watches that anyways,” and helped herself to another scoop of boysenberry ice cream.

Go lions go!

And now on to Emily with travel news:

Thanks Emily. Our travel experts this week bring us to the small coastal town of Byron, where reporters on the scene interviewed a group of American tourists from Washington University who apparently witnessed an armed car robbery, a strange face-painted man talking to a wall, and a smattering of hippies, all in one weekend. If you’re visiting this quaint town two hours from Brisbane any time soon, the locals say to keep an eye out for dolphins in the bay (but don’t take pictures with one of those ancient “disposable” cameras that has to be developed and thus doesn’t make it onto your blog) as well as cheeky students dancing on tables at Uni Monkeys, err, that would be uni students at Cheeky Monkeys, sorry for being…cheeky.

You just gotta obey the signs.

Also, speaking of monkeys, this just in: There has apparently been a rare sighting of some flailing monkeys, get this, learning to surf off the Byron coast. Oh wait, never mind, sources have confirmed it’s just another uni student trying to look cool. We’ll show you some footage anyways:

And while we’re on the subject of strange sightings, we’ve been hearing numerous reports of strange multicoloured humanoid creatures wandering around McDonald's on a Saturday morning. Our sources tell us that, despite cleverly camoflauging themselves as beautiful “ladies” at a college formal ball the Friday night before, these creatures (which are suspected of extraterrestrial origin), have transformed into their true form in the morning light and really, really want to give you a hug.

--->
Despite assurances they’re harmless, I think I’ll pass on the hug.

In other news, a recent highly-scientific survey of girls eating late night toast in the Duchesne kitchen has found that Aussies believe coming to the U.S. would be “scary…because of all of the guns…I mean, people just walk around with them everywhere, don’t they?”

Yes, dear, they do. Better watch yourself. (FYI it's illegal for people to own handguns in Australia except under special circumstances. So if you're coming to visit, leave that gun we all know you own at home.)

Australians travelling to the U.S. should also be warned not to go into American basements (a foreign concept in most Aussie housing), as, according to an anonymous source between bites of her vegemite toast: “that’s where people get murdered, right?” Doctors are currently examining her brain to see if the excessive vegemite has had any permanent effects on her cognition.

(It was fortunately concluded that her condition was due to an overdose not on Vegemite but on low-budget American TV shows.)

Well, our time’s about up for todight’s broadcast. We’ll leave you with footage of an American girl who was sighted falling out of the sky onto a Brisbane beach. Fortunately no one was harmed, and sources say that parents have been informed after the fact to avoid any nervous breakdowns.

Tune in next month for our final broadcast, when we’ll be back in our old studio in the states again - wow how the time does fly! Or as Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter extraordinaire would say: "Crikey!"

As for now, this has been “News in the Down Unda” with your host, Emily-“mom and dad don’t kill me for jumping out of an airplane”-Mos… (nah I’m still not telling you my last name, stalkers.)

[Visit the Down Unda' photo archives for more in depth on todight's stories:

Byron Bay: http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.1798447403335.2097540.1304250203&l=26372ffce2

Duchesne Ball: http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.1781291614451.2096706.1304250203&l=c0cee345cf

Recovery: http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.1782913294992.2096778.1304250203&l=63558f3c3b

Skydiving: http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.1818978916610.2098782.1304250203&l=fb91624425

Australia Zoo: http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.1807155541033.2098034.1304250203&l=872217f03a]

(Ba da da dum) "It's beginning to look a lot like...Easter?"

It’s that time of the year again, the inevitable consequence of the earth revolving around the sun, when the weather starts changing, the birds start migrating, and it is time to finally change over your wardrobe to…sweatpants and hoodies. I don’t want to rub it in, but as all of you are reluctantly looking forward to having to wear flip flops and shorts and getting forced into a swimming pool though you really don’t want to, I am psyched to start taking twice as long to dress in the morning due to the twice as many articles of clothing I get to put on. You know you’re jealous. ;)

No really though, Australians are rather wimpy when it comes to the cold. Last Thursday, for instance, was a mildly blustery day prompting me to wear a light jumper (that’s a hoodie with a zipper, or a jacket) only to later discover an email from my professor with the condolences, eh em, “Hopefully you are all enjoying our wretched winter weather. Brilliant isn't it.” I wanted to reply that my friends back home certainly enjoyed their wretched winter weather as they tromped to class in their parkas through the seasonal blizzard, but I thought better of it. So so spoiled…

"It's almost winter you say? Nahhhhhh I'm not fallling for that, silly human. You just want me to migrate and keep all your delicious cheeseburger crumbs for yourself." - Barty the Dimwitted Brush Turkey

But there are certain perks that come with the onset of winter. Like, for instance…Easter...?. What could be more wintery than decorations of painted eggs, baby chicks in nests, and cute Easter bunnies? GASP, did I say cute? Bunnies in Australia are apparently not cute. They are, according to my Australia’s Terrestrial Environment instructor, a vile, invasive, habitat-destroying, obsessively-multiplying species that shouldn't warrant celebration on any holiday except “National Let’s Eat All the Vegetation Day.” But fortunately for you little Aussie boys and girls who still want to run around the lawn hunting chocolate eggs (they hide the actual chocolate here, not silly plastic eggs with candy inside), certain environmental masterminds have created a new, completely Aussie way of celebrating Easter:

No, he's not a mutant bunny from Mars. This cute little guy is a bilby, and he’s a real animal, a suspiciously rabbit-like native Australian marsupial that is endangered due to competition with rabbits and other introduced species (thanks a lot, Europeans). A friend of mine, shocked that I’d never heard of the Easter Bilby (I mean seriously, was I raised under a rock?) loaned me her clever children’s book that both explains how the bilby took over the Easter Bunny’s job when all the other potential bunny successors were too arrogant or lazy, and successfully instils into little Aussie children’s hearts that bilbys are in every way superior to those other actual bunnies. It was a such delightfully enjoyable read, I read it twice.

The best thing about the Easter Bilby is, like Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy and other vital magical childhood beings, he manages to find you no matter how remote your location. For instance, say, the world’s largest sand island.

Yes, amidst 5 glorious days of dune-jumping...

...frog-hunting...

(he's kinda cute for a toad)

...leaf-analyzing...

(it was a class field trip after all)

...and lake-swimming adventures (ironically we couldn’t swim in the ocean unless we had a strong desire to die by jellyfish, shark attack, or rip current)...

on Fraser Island, we still found time to hunt some good old easter eggs (I even found a whole chocolate Easter Bilby, tasty!)

He didn’t stay long though, as along with cute little critters Fraser Island is also home to the largest purebred population of dingoes.

I know what you’re thinking: “aww he looks just like my sweet, tame, innocent puppy at home!” WRONG. Incidentally, a little girl was attacked by one of these "cute" guys while we were on the island. I’m not kidding: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/04/26/dingoes-maul-girl-australia-attack_n_853706.html. Don't mess with the cuteness.

Having narrowly escaped dingoes, cars driving 80km on the beach (it’s the highway on the island - watch where you sunbathe), and having to learn about yet another difference between the two predominant types of trees, I returned home from Fraser, only to 6 hours later jump onto an overnight bus on my next field trip. Exhausting? Uh huh. Worth it? Most definitely. Because we were going to the Great Barrier Reef.

(Nemo and friends say "hi")

I have often wondered to myself if there really is some black-hearted person in the sky with a set of knobs an levers who, returning from his Easter vacation, realized he was backlogged on his rain and wind quota and decided to dump it all on the poor vacationers and research students on the “tropical” Heron Island. Yet despite being a perpetual state of wet, and having two boat snorkels, a night snorkel, and a scuba trip cancelled due to 25+ knot winds, we all still had a fantastic time becoming professional plankton-catchers...

(My what big eyes you have!)

...starfish-hunters...

(chillin' with my five-armed homies)

...and, drumroll, BABY SEA TURTLE RESCUERS!

(Insert collective "awwww" here)

Finding Nemo may pull off a pretty cute surfer-dude baby turtle, but nothing compares to watching one of these little guys make his way all the way down the beach to the sea. TOTALLY WICKED DUDE.

(be sure to turn on your sound)

Alas, my epic mid-semester break adventures quickly came to a close, much like the semesters of my friends are back home, and much like this blog entry is about to. But take heart! Our journey together is long from over, intrepid adventurers. If you dare, we will brave the even more certain dangers together, including...a long 14km hike (okay technically this field trip was last Friday, but I didn’t want to rewrite the entry – check out the link at the bottom of the page for some spectacular views of Lamington National Park and a very-Aussie-hat-wearing tutor!) … a fancy formal “ball” (coming this Friday)....an Aussie-Rules football game (nothing beats watching guys beat each other up)...and more! It will be greater than a chocolate fudge ice cream sundae…on a pancake…which I’m having on Tuesday…now you’re jealous.

(Check out my facebook albums for a more detailed report of my mid-semester adventures!

Fraser Island: http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.1758383361759.2095319.1304250203&l=c2d2404e65

Heron Island: http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.1758548765894.2095328.1304250203&l=98683dbddf

Lamington National Park: http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.1770070213923.2096082.1304250203&l=b6e9f55ec2)

Meet Me on the Melbourne Trail

So I was chilling with some of my Aussie friends the other night when the topic came to childhood computer games (why not?). I thus went off on my typical spiel of the true genius of old-school Oregon Trail. (You remember Oregon Trail? Shoot some bison. Cross the Meramec. Good game.)

I then noticed the concerned looks on the faces of my friends, and a couple of realizations hit me:

#1: Aussies don’t play Oregon Trail. Maybe Outback Trail, or Crocodile Hunting Trail, or Sentenced-to-18-years-on-an-island-penal-colony-for-stealing-a-loaf-of-bread Trail. But there ain’t no Oregon this side of the equator, at least as far as I know.

#2: I must really watch my accent, else I perpetuate a stereotype of sick-minded Americans who raise their children on games suspiciously titled, eh ehm: “Organ Trail.” Ahh nothing beats the classics: “You attempted to ford the river and your wagon tipped over. You lost: 2 oxen, 150 lb of food, and a spleen.”

Speaking of travelling, I’ve been doing a bit of that myself recently – not in a covered wagon, mind you. But I did set out on an intrepid journey last week with Kerryn (my Aussie slash South Australian slash uber-Melbourne-enthusiast) as we decided to conquer: the Melbourne Trail.

[I apologize to my Aussie friends who don't get this]

Here are some excerpts from the trail-log of our weekend adventure:

Thursday, April 7, 4:01pm - You lost the trail on the way back from Fort Bio Midterm. Pay $30 to take the (late) ferry across the river to Melbourne.

Thursday, April 7, 8:45pm – You have reached Melbourne – Cultural Capital of Australia. What would you like to do?

- Attempt to ford the tram river [click]

- Caulk the wagon and taxi it across.

<-- quite a treacherous tram system

Thursday, April 7, 9:45pm – You successfully forded the river.

Thursday, April 7, 10:00pm – You have reached Fort Backpacker’s Hostel. You bought:

- 1 8-person room

- 4 loud Englishmen

- 2 Irish folks with excellent accents

- 2 earplugs

Thursday, April 7, 10:30pm – Englishboy1 has died of fiancé-cheating-heartbreak. What would he like to do?

- sit around and mope

- take money saved to buy a house and travel the world for a year [click]

Thursday, April 7, 11:00pm – Englishboy2 has died of no-work-in-the-northern-hemisphere. What would he like to do?

- move back in with parents

- run off to Australia and hope someone will hire you [click]

Friday, April 8, 9:00am – You found a broken down hostel kitchen wagon, it contained:

- 3 free breakfasts

- 3 free questionable dinners

- 0 free internet (hey, it’s the 1800’s people!)

Friday, April 8, 2:00pm – Emily has caught tourist-fever. You lost 6 hours at the Aquarium, Federation Square, Botanical Gardens, and St. Paul’s Cathedral.

<-- me mingling the indigenous tiki-men

Saturday, April 9, 10:00am – Kerryn and Emily have caught shopping-bug. You lost 1 day looking for deals.

Saturday, April 9, 1:00pm – Your wagon was attacked by a candystore. You lost:

- the notion that Poptarts are a breakfast food

Saturday, April 9, 3:00pm – You find 2 shoppingbag wagons. You found:

- 3 souvenirs for friends back home

- 1 souvenir for a sister

- 0 extra cash

Sunday, April 10, 7:00am – You arrived at the Great Ocean Road. What would you like to do?

- caulk the pocketbook and rent-a-car across

- pay to take the tour bus [click]

<-- Taking the ferry is always a good choice

Sunday, April 10, 3:00pm – Stormy weather. You lose:

- 2 dry pairs of clothes

- 1 frozen companion on the bus

<-- brrr why is Oregon so cccold?

Sunday, April 10, 4:00pm – London Bridge has fallen down. Lose 2 days.

<-- Where did London Bridge go?

Sunday, April 10, 9:00pm – You successfully forded the Great Ocean Road.

Monday April 11, 3:00am - Mymind is lost. Lose 1 night's sleep as you attempt to find the cheap-airfare trail.

Monday, April 11, 8:35am – Congratulations! You reached Home! Let’s see how many photos you received… [check them out here! http://www.facebook.com/album.php?fbid=1733220972715&id=1304250203&aid=2090351&l=a03f5c177c]

In other traveling adventures, I attended a school-sponsored gladiator fight, disguised as a “research project,” and won first prize and a couple of squishy fishees:

<-- My sister and I have very intelligent conversations when we skype

If you’d like to meet the contestants, here are their mug shots:

<-- the little guy doesn't stand a chance

I then travelled to another planet, where I took this fantastic shot of a star supernova-ing behind my head:

[more pictures from my Moreton Bay/crab-hunting/sun-setting trip here: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?fbid=1705573721551&id=1304250203&aid=2088576&l=6b4fb25bce]

I also travelled to the ends of the earth to indulge in two of the greatest pleasures of earthly existence: pancakes and chocolate.

Pancake Manor (aka 24-hour medieval-looking heaven on a plate):

Max Brenner Chocolate Bar (aka OMG everything on their menu is made of chocolate):

Ahh, nothing beats the good taste of my two favourite treats from home. Speaking of home – I finally mailed some postcards today! (Though it's just now midterms here, it kind of snuck up on me that there's only a few more weeks left of classes back home!)

Well that about sums up my travel escapades, fellow adventurers. Check back next time for an exclusive look into my next treacherous journey...the Spring Break Trail.

It's Peanut Butter and Jelly Time...Aussie Style

Wow, it’s been longer than I thought since I last updated. I have this grand goal of updating more frequently and thus keeping my posts shorter than a novel’s length, but it seems my inner verbosity has gotten the better of me again. That or maybe I just got out of the hospital after getting mauled by an angry koala. Don't be fooled by their cuddly looks friends...I have proof:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x8oLu7znwQ0

Anyhow, today’s post *dum da da dum* is brought to you by…the letter S:

School (that’s why I’m here, after all)

Shared Birthdays (who knew 21 was a big deal in a country when you’re done gaining "rights" at 18)

Scuba Diving (might have seen some cool stuff)

Some more funny Aussie Anecdotes (which will explain the title of this post, but you’ll have to wait until the end!)

Sorry about the stretch on that last S

1. School

Yes, contrary to what it looks like on facebook and my previous blog entries, I am going to school here. Interestingly (or not, depending on how you look at it), UQ classes are very similar stylistically to those at Wash U, with one noticeable difference:

Class sizes aren’t capped, meaning you can have hundreds of people sign up for a class.

<-- My first Aussie lecture, okay maybe not

I initially thought, as you probably did, that that sounds like a great alternative to Wash U’s screaming mad race-to-sign-up-for-your-class method of enrollment.

<-- This is the first image that comes up when you Google Image Search "people running madly." No seriously. Lentils?

But don’t worry, UQ still makes you feel right at home when signing up for Tutorials, small mandatory break-out sessions that you have to wake up at 6:00 am (yes, I did this) to register for. Ahh uni.

2. Birthday!!!!

So, I fully expected to have the lamest 21^st birthday ever, as I was becoming “legal” in a country where “legal” is soooooo three years ago. Not true. America must have truly infiltrated Australia when they make such a big deal about a birthday that changes absolutely nothing except that all your birthdays from now on will be pronounced in three or more syllables.

Aside from talking about it for what seemed like weeks beforehand, my friends made my first birthday away from home incredibly special, complete with a beautiful hand-painted card,

...super touristy Aussie thongs (that’s a flip flop, folks)

...an epic music video starring two very, uh, talented people, and TWO packages of Tim-Tams.

Have I told you about Tim-Tams? They. Are. From. Heaven. No seriously, the best chocolate biscuit (that’s a cookie, folks) I have ever tasted. I don’t know why we don’t have them in the states. The Aussies must be hoarding them all. You are all trying one because I’m bringing back a lifetime supply (finances depending).

=

Oh, how could I have forgotten, I discovered during O-Week that I share my birthday with someone. Err, I mean, with someone else... ;) This someone else not being my twin but an absolutely awesome Aussie friend of mine (who turned 19), who also happens to be the inspiration for the title of this blog, but will remain anonymous because this is the internet after all.

3. Scuba Diving!!!

As the title of my Facebook album so keenly (that’s an Aussie word that means pretty much whatever you want it to) puts it, I spent this past weekend “Down Unda’…the Sea!” I went diving with a UQ club called Unidive, which I’m glad I didn’t join just to “meet more Aussies” because pretty much everyone in the club is international: Canadian, Swiss, German, Colombian, New Jersey-an, you name it. I guess everyone wants to take advantage of the amazing diving while they’re here, and we certainly weren’t disappointed. Four dives at North Stradbroke Island showed us green seaturtles, huge manta rays, and, well you can just check out my album to see what else lies in the deep blue down here:…

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2086767&id=1304250203&l=433ddb31bc

Oh, and here's a plain, boring old video of some fish...at least it was going to be:

4. Aussie Anecdotes (Back by popular demand…more or less)

[Disclaimer: In case my friend is reading this, this convo has been enhanced for dramatic effect. A lot. Blame it on my poor memory. Or my uncanny flair for the dramatic.]

Me: Man, I’m glad I’m living at Duchene, because last summer when I had to cook for myself, I pretty much lived on PB&J.

Anonymous Aussie Friend: PB&J?

Me: Peanut butter and jelly, it’s pretty much a staple of the American college diet. Along with Ramen.

AAF: Really? It seems kind of gross to me.

Me: Couldn’t be grosser than your Vegimite sandwiches.

Another AAF: Hey, don’t diss the Vegimite.

AAF: No seriously though, I tried it once, putting jelly with peanut butter and toast. It was…well…interesting…

AAAF: Dude, that’s because you're not supposed to use jelly, you use jam.

AAF: Nah weren’t you listening? The J stands for jelly, not jam.

After getting my fill of amusement from this conversation, I finally revealed what was in fact so funny. In Australia, “jam” = American “jelly”, and “jelly” = well…

Trust me, Americans may be on the other side of the world, but our taste buds aren’t quite that upside down. Then again, it probably still tastes better than Vegimite... :)