News in the Down Unda'

Good evening/morning/[insert appropriate greeting for your time zone here] and welcome to this month’s broadcast of “News in the Down Unda'’” with your host: Emily-“this is how I procrastinate studying for finals when you’re all already on summer break”-Mose… (wait I’m not putting my last name on the internet, crazies.)

In headline news todight (that’s a combo of today and tonight, in case you didn’t catch it, because I’m just that clever) we bring you a story of how one of the smallest cities in the United States managed to make the morning news show on my television the other side of the world.

Rather than repeating the news of the tragic tornado disaster at the town less than an hour from my house in the middle of nowhere Missouri, we’d just like to highlight how the picture so accurately implies that everyone “knows” where Joplin, USA is, like it’s New York or something and doesn’t need a state. Of course, judging from interviews with other Aussies at the event (that event being eating weet-bix and sultana bran cereal illegally in the common room), they don’t have the faintest idea what’s a city and what’s a state in the US anyways (“You’re from Missouri, right? What state this that in?”). Thus experts say there will likely be no harm done.

We now bring you Emily with sports…

Thanks Emily. This past week Australians gathered together to watch two fearsome rugby teams battle it out what Aussies call the "State of Origin" game, but what Americans would probably label as the Aussie “Super Bowl” except with no padding, no helmets, and seriously disappointing commercials. But hey, they did make American football players look like a bunch of sissies as they beat each other up, which almost made up for the lack of kids dressed up like Darth Vader trying to use the force to start their parents’ Volkswagen.

The teams playing were the Queenslanders from the north and the New South Wales-ers from, duh, the south. Oh wait, those are the same teams that play every year, because once again it seems someone forgot to send out the cute little Hallmark invitations to the other states. Whoops. Oh well, they're “terrible at rugby anyways” (according to an anonymous source at the dining hall table, though she may not have used such kind words).

Viewers might think Australians would have trouble coming up with fearsome mascots, coming from a country with 9 of the 10 most deadliest snakes and more things that can kill you than anywhere else, but fans new to the games were relieved that they had the choice of cheering for one of two formidable opponents:

…the cane toads…

...or the cockroaches...

Oooh I'd hate to face one of those guys on the rugby field. I might squash him by accident.

At least they try to make them look ferocious:

A reporter on the scene noted that most fans chose to forgo the animal representation and cheer on their teams by color instead: Maroon and blue. Meh. More to come in a later broadcast on the positive effect this had on the self-respect of dedicated rugby fans across the country.

And lastly in sports, for those apparently few and far between fans of AFL (that’s Aussie Rules Football, for our American viewers), a game was played last month by the Brisbane Lions, whose mascot, colors, and red and gold garb had muggle fans suspicious of a wizarding infiltration the whole night:

But despite the Lion’s refreshing ability to pick a mascot that doesn’t make you twist your face in disgust, they still lost, for what our sources say is "like the tenth time in a row." When interviewed for their reaction to the tragedy, a fellow dining hall Brisbaner simply shrugged and reminded us that “ALF is stupid, nobody watches that anyways,” and helped herself to another scoop of boysenberry ice cream.

Go lions go!

And now on to Emily with travel news:

Thanks Emily. Our travel experts this week bring us to the small coastal town of Byron, where reporters on the scene interviewed a group of American tourists from Washington University who apparently witnessed an armed car robbery, a strange face-painted man talking to a wall, and a smattering of hippies, all in one weekend. If you’re visiting this quaint town two hours from Brisbane any time soon, the locals say to keep an eye out for dolphins in the bay (but don’t take pictures with one of those ancient “disposable” cameras that has to be developed and thus doesn’t make it onto your blog) as well as cheeky students dancing on tables at Uni Monkeys, err, that would be uni students at Cheeky Monkeys, sorry for being…cheeky.

You just gotta obey the signs.

Also, speaking of monkeys, this just in: There has apparently been a rare sighting of some flailing monkeys, get this, learning to surf off the Byron coast. Oh wait, never mind, sources have confirmed it’s just another uni student trying to look cool. We’ll show you some footage anyways:

And while we’re on the subject of strange sightings, we’ve been hearing numerous reports of strange multicoloured humanoid creatures wandering around McDonald's on a Saturday morning. Our sources tell us that, despite cleverly camoflauging themselves as beautiful “ladies” at a college formal ball the Friday night before, these creatures (which are suspected of extraterrestrial origin), have transformed into their true form in the morning light and really, really want to give you a hug.

--->
Despite assurances they’re harmless, I think I’ll pass on the hug.

In other news, a recent highly-scientific survey of girls eating late night toast in the Duchesne kitchen has found that Aussies believe coming to the U.S. would be “scary…because of all of the guns…I mean, people just walk around with them everywhere, don’t they?”

Yes, dear, they do. Better watch yourself. (FYI it's illegal for people to own handguns in Australia except under special circumstances. So if you're coming to visit, leave that gun we all know you own at home.)

Australians travelling to the U.S. should also be warned not to go into American basements (a foreign concept in most Aussie housing), as, according to an anonymous source between bites of her vegemite toast: “that’s where people get murdered, right?” Doctors are currently examining her brain to see if the excessive vegemite has had any permanent effects on her cognition.

(It was fortunately concluded that her condition was due to an overdose not on Vegemite but on low-budget American TV shows.)

Well, our time’s about up for todight’s broadcast. We’ll leave you with footage of an American girl who was sighted falling out of the sky onto a Brisbane beach. Fortunately no one was harmed, and sources say that parents have been informed after the fact to avoid any nervous breakdowns.

Tune in next month for our final broadcast, when we’ll be back in our old studio in the states again - wow how the time does fly! Or as Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter extraordinaire would say: "Crikey!"

As for now, this has been “News in the Down Unda” with your host, Emily-“mom and dad don’t kill me for jumping out of an airplane”-Mos… (nah I’m still not telling you my last name, stalkers.)

[Visit the Down Unda' photo archives for more in depth on todight's stories:

Byron Bay: http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.1798447403335.2097540.1304250203&l=26372ffce2

Duchesne Ball: http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.1781291614451.2096706.1304250203&l=c0cee345cf

Recovery: http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.1782913294992.2096778.1304250203&l=63558f3c3b

Skydiving: http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.1818978916610.2098782.1304250203&l=fb91624425

Australia Zoo: http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.1807155541033.2098034.1304250203&l=872217f03a]